I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
