I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
