I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Randomize
