My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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