dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
