I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
