I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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