I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
