Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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