1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
