just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I want a musical about memes.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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