i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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