I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
