I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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