I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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