how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
