The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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