I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
