I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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