i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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