Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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