i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
