I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
