My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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