I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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