Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
