i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
