someone threw a dead crab at me
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
