Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
