I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
