The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
