There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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