In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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