hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
