What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
