I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
