Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
