it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
