his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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