I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
