ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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