just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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