Is it because I queefed?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
