The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
