I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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