Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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