i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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