just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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