I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
