I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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